The Best Adult Sports Jokes
Please do not be offended by any of these adult sports jokes. They are just jokes and certainly not meant to cause offence. Even if you are short, support Chelsea or whatever.
What is the name of the small Chinese sportsman? Knee High
What’s a Dominatrix’s favorite sport? Kickball
Why is the sport of cricket called cricket? A: **Because it’s boring.**
Golf is a dangerous sport
My wife returned home from a round of golf and said she’d been injured. She told me she’d be hit between the first and second holes. To which I replied: That doesn’t leave much room for a bandaid!
If football had never existed, Messi would’ve been just a normal guy. Maybe I’m the best player of a sport that doesn’t exist and that’s why I’m a normal guy.
If self-depreciation was a sport. I’d probably be pretty rubbish at that too.
Last night on ESPN I was watching Women’s beach volleyball. About three minutes into the game, there was a really bad wrist injury. The doctor said I should be fine in a few days though.
Q: What has 2 arms, 3 legs, and 4 feet? A: The finish line at the Boston Marathon.
If having low confidence and low self-esteem was an Olympic sport. I would probably get bronze.
A man comes home to his wife…Upon entering their home he promptly asks her, “hey honey, do you want to play the rape game tonight?”, a flat and unenthusiastic “no” is her response, to which he replies excitedly “good sport.
Can throwing a round heavy object as far as you can be classed as a sport?? Discus
If horse racing is the “sport of kings”, is drag racing the sport of queens?
My favorite winter Olympic sport is women’s curling. Because it’s the one time every four years I can yell, sweep harder at a woman, and no one thinks it’s because I’m a sexist pig.
What is a Mexicans favorite high school sport? Cross country
What’s the easiest sport to get into? Limbo. They don’t set the bar very high.
There is only one sport in which I can get a high score. It’s golf.
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, It’s not a ship. The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, It’s not a boat. The speck gets even closer and he thinks, It’s not a raft. Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”
“Ten years!” he says. She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!”
Then she asked, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?”
He replies, “Ten years!”
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!”
Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?”
And the man replies, “Wow! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there?”
Why did the little boy keep playing sports on the roof? He wanted his balls to drop.
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in stunningly sexy lingerie. “Tie me up,” she purred, “And you can do anything you want.” So he tied her up and went to watch a football match.
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, “Honey, if I died would you get married again?”
The husband said, “No sweetie.”
The woman said, “I’m sure you would.”
So the man said, “Okay, I would”
Then the woman asked, “Would you let her sleep in our bed?”
And the man replied, “Ya, I guess so.”
Then the wife asked, “Would you let her use my golf clubs?”
And the husband replied, “No, she’s left-handed.”
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren’t enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, “I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!” The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he’s had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, “That’s funny, I dreamed I was skiing!”
On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride, “I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship.”
“What is it?” his new bride asked lovingly.
“I’m a golf fanatic,” he said. “I think about golf constantly.
I’ll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win.”
His new bride pondered this for a moment and said, “I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I’ve concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is, I’m a hooker!”
“No problem,” said her husband, “just widen your stance a little, and overlap your grip and that should clear it right up.”
More hilarious adult sports jokes
Jimmy was an avid sports fan whose face was always either buried in the sports pages or glued to the television screen. One night as he lay in bed next to his wife watching a football game, she got up, walked across the room and unplugged the television set. “Hey,” Jimmy shouted, “what do you think you’re doing?”
“I am sick of sports, and I’m sick of TV,” his wife replied.
“You haven’t touched me in months and months. We’re going to talk about sex right now!”
“Okay, okay.” Jimmy thinks for a second. After a moment, he asks, “How often do you think Cristiano Ronaldo gets laid?”
A multimillionaire bachelor goes to his club to play golf with two friends. Not knowing who would be joining them, they walk to the first tee. As they finish teeing off, a tall, beautiful, ravenhaired woman asks if she can join them. Although the bachelor thinks this is going to slow down their play, he agrees. The woman tees up a ball and, without a practice swing, smacks it straight down the middle. This goes on all day and she finishes even par for the round, beating all the men. They invite her back the next week. They have a great time, and she shoots the same score. The bachelor thinks to himself, “This is the girl of my dreams!” So he asks her out on a date. They go out, find they have much in common and have a great evening. They make another golf date, during which she shoots two-under and gives a clinic in shot making. The millionaire is now convinced that they are meant to be together. He invites her back to his flat, where they talk for hours. Everything is progressing smoothly, so he invites her to his bedroom. Their passions run riot, but she doesn’t let things go too far and he drives her home. This pattern continues for a month: Great golf, great dates but nights of abbreviated passion. The bachelor can’t take it anymore. “I know the time we spent on the golf course and in my flat is wonderful. And even though we haven’t been fully intimate, I know that I love you, you love me, and that you are the girl I want to marry!” “Darling,” she says, “I have something to tell you. I cannot hide it anymore. I am a man!” His mouth drops open, his face turns red, he begins to shake. She’s convinced he’s going to have a heart attack, or worse, when finally, in a blind rage, he shouts, “And all this time you’ve been playing from the red tees?
A man joins a football team and his new teammates inform him, “At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex.” The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life.
When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said, “Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting.” His wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep. The next day, she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked, “I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?”
His mate said smiling, “Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!”
The wife looked confused and replied to his mate, “Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick.”
Im 45 years old and I just bought my very first sports car. My girlfriend thinks I’m going through a midlife crisis. But what would she know? She’s only 18.
A Rangers and Celtic fan get into a nasty car accident in Glasgow. Both vehicles are really badly damaged, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the Celtic fan says, “So you’re a Rangers fan, that’s interesting. I’m a Celtic fan. Wow! Just look at our cars. There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.” The Rangers fan just about managed to nod and replied, “I totally agree, this must be a sign from God!” The Rangers fan went on, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn’t break.
Surely God wants us to drink it, to celebrate the fact we both got out of this terrible crash alive.” He hands the bottle to the Celtic fan who nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back to the Rangers fan. The Rangers fan takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on and hands back to the Celtic fan. The Celtic fan asks, “Aren’t you having any?”
The Rangers fan smiles and replies, “No thanks, I think I’ll just wait for the police.”
A man goes to confession. “Forgive me father, for I have sinned.”
“What is your sin, my child?” The priest asks back.
“Well,” the man starts, “I used some foul and abusive language this week and feel absolutely terrible.”
“When did you do use this disgusting language?” asked the priest.
“I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 300 yards, but it struck an overhead cable that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 150 yards.”
“Is that when you swore?”
“No, Father,” said the man. “After that, a rabbit ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away.” Is that when you swore?” asked the Father again.
“Well, no,” said the man, “You see, as the rabbit was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the rabbit in his talons and began to fly away!”
“Is THAT when you swore?” asked the amazed Priest.
“No, not yet,” the man replied. “As the eagle carried the rabbit away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the rabbit dropped my ball.”
“Did you swear THEN?” asked the now impatient Priest.
“No, because as the ball fell it struck a rock, bounced through some bushes, careened off a tree, and rolled through a bunker onto the green and stopped within one foot of the hole.”
“You missed the f**king putt, didn’t you?” sighed the Priest.
The Liverpool FC manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over. Two weeks later Liverpool are 4–0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left, the manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores five goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch, he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. “Hello mum, guess what?” he says, “I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4–0 down but I scored five and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.” “Wonderful,” says his mum. “Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all whilst you were having such great time.” The young lad is very upset. “What can I say mum, but I’m really sorry.” “Sorry? Sorry?” says his mum, “It’s your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!”
One day, Jeffrey complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts; I guess I should see a doctor.”
“Don’t do that! There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs ￡10.”
Jeffrey figured he had nothing to lose, so he took his urine sample to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the ￡10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
“You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.”
Late that evening, whilst thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited ￡10.00. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: “Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter’s using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife’s pregnant, with twin boys… They aren’t yours, get a lawyer and if you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.”
Even more funny adult sports jokes.
An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes, the old man farts and says, “Seven Points.”
His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?”
The old man replied, “It’s fart football!”
A few minutes later, the wife lets one go and says, “Touchdown, tie score!”
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, “Touchdown, I’m ahead 14 to 7!”
Not to be out done, the wife rips another one and says, “Touchdown, tie score!” Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, “Field goal, I lead 17 to 14!” Now the 44 pressure’s on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realising a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed. The wife looks and says, “What the heck was that?”
The old man replied, “Half-time, switch sides!”
Doctor: “Do you do sports?”
Patient: “Does sex count?”
Patient: “Then no.”
Everyone should stop hating on Lance Armstrong. He won 7 Toure De France’s on DRUGS! When I’m on drugs, I can’t even FIND my bicycle.
What’s the difference between Usain bolt and Hitler? Usain bolt can finish a race…
Sex is like sports. I don’t do it myself, but I love watching other people do it.
What’s a Mexican’s favorite sport? Cross country.
A couple of years ago the english national team was about to start training in preparation for an important qualifying match when the manager at the time, Sven-Goran Eriksson, discovered a big turd in one of the penalty areas on the practice pitch. Ok boys, he said, who’s shit on the ground? Emile Heskey replied: “Me coach, but I’m good in the air!”
Why can’t orphans play baseball? They don’t know where home is.
Why do orphans like playing tennis? Because it’s the only love they get.
What is the Jewish persons favourite winter sport? Shlalom.
I was at a party last night and got talking to a leading expert in the use of drugs in Sport.
He told me about a female Bulgarian athlete who had used so much steroids in the 70’s that she started to grow the beginnings of a penis.
“Anabolics?” I asked. “No” he said, “Just a penis”.
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him ina typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. “Top of the mornin’ to yer, sir” says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
“What are those?, asks the attendant.
“They’re called tees” replies Tiger.
“Well, what on the god’s earth are dey for?” inquires the Irishman.
“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Tiger.
“Fookin Jaysus”, says the Irishman, “BMW thinks of everything!”
Police have found the body of a man in the River Thames wearing a Chelsea shirt, women’s underwear, fishnet stockings, suspenders and with a sexual toy inserted somewhere it shouldn’t. They have removed the Chelsea shirt to save the family any embarrassment…
Whilst out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing no one around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A blonde girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. “What’s that?” she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust. “Tennis ball,” came the breathless reply. “Oh,” said the blonde sympathetically, “that must be painful… I had tennis elbow once.”
Four men were stranded in a desert. Suddenly, one of them died. The other three decided that the only way to survive was to eat the dead body. The 1st man said, “I support Liverpool, so I’ll eat his liver.”
The 2nd man said, “I support Manchester, so I’ll eat his chest.”
The 3rd man said, “I support Arsenal… but I’m not very hungry!”
There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.” As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, “If I catch you, you’re mine!” The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.
Do you know how easy it is to fail the pre fight weigh in? Piece of cake
A very religious surfer was riding a wave when suddenly he was victim to ferocious shark attack. Somehow, he barely manages to survive the ordeal and struggles to a small sandbank. Lord why have you done this to me he shouts, show me your divine powers and mercy and help me. The tide is rising and he is running out of time, suddenly a man on a jet ski shouts, hey man jump on, lets get you to safety. The surfer thanks him and explains he has put his trust in god to help. Off the bemused jet skier goes. Oh lord please help me soon he says, I’m growing weak. Suddenly a sailor can be heard from his boat, grab the rope I can help you. Thanks man, but I have asked the lord for his help and I must now wait for him. The sailor shrugs his shoulders and sails of in the distance.
The surfer looks up, Lord I urge you please help me, suddenly a helicopter arrives and a rope ladder is dropped to him. The surfer once again refuses the act of help. Off the helicopter goes with the pilot shaking his head disbelievingly.
The tide is about to wash the surfer from the sandbank and the shark is waiting to finish the job off.
The surfer says, Lord, what is I have done that should result in your wrath towards me? Please, please tell me.
Suddenly the clouds part and God looks down on the surfer.
You daft bastard, who do you think sent the jet ski, sailing boat and helicopter?