The best 230 jokes in sport. Part 2. My favourite is number 127.
66. A boxer had written on his tombstone: “You can stop counting. I’m not getting up.”
67. What is Sean Connery’s favorite sport and when does he play it? Tennish
68. What do you call someone who is bad at sports but likes to participate? A try athlete.
69. Camping is the best extreme sport, It’s in tents.
70. Why Didn’t The Dog Want To Play Football? It was a boxer.
71. Where Do Old Bowling Balls End Up? In the gutter!
72. How Did The Basketball Get Wet? The players dribbled all over it.
73. What Kinds Of Stories Are Told By Basketball Players? Tall tales!
74. How Do Baseball Players Stay Cool? They sit next to their fans!
75. How Many Golfers Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb? FORE!
76. Why Did The Chicken Get Sent Off? For persistent fowl play!
77. How Do Hens Encourage Their Baseball Teams? They egg them on!
78. What Should A Soccer Team Do If The Pitch Is Flooded? Bring on their subs!
79. Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball. Abe turns to Sol and asks, “Do you think there’s baseball in Heaven?” Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, “I dunno. But let’s make a deal — if I die first, I’ll come back and tell you if there’s baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same.” They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, “Sol… Sol… .” Sol responds, “Abe! Is that you?” “Yes it is, Sol,” whispers Abe’s ghost. Sol, still amazed, asks, “So, is there baseball in Heaven?” “Well,” says Abe, “I’ve got good news and bad news.” “Gimme the good news first,” says Sol. Abe says, “Well, there is baseball in Heaven.” Sol says, “That’s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?” Abe sighs and whispers, “You’re pitching on Friday.”
80. My wife said, “I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with Tennis!” I replied, “That’s 15 love!”
81. Guy: “You see doctor, the problem is obesity runs in the family.” Doctor: “No, the problem is no one runs in your family.”
82. I’ll never understand how you can come up second in a biathlon. I mean – you’ve got a gun, haven’t you?
83. Yo momma so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!
84. Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a “head” and the tomato was trying to “ketchup”!
85. I used to play tennis, baseball, basketball and chess, but I stopped after my son broke my PlayStation.
86. Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world.” Caddy: “I don’t think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.”
87. A man went to doctor, “Doctor every night in my dream I am playing soccer.” The Doctor says, “Take these pills, they will help you sleep better.” The man, “I can’t take them, tonight is the semi final.”
88. ‘Why do scuba divers fall off their boats backwards?” “If they fell forwards they’d still be on the boat!”
89. Golfer: “Think I’m going to drown myself in the lake.” Caddy: “I don’t think you can keep your head down that long.”
90. What’s the worst thing about being lonely? Playing Frisbee.
91. Two not very clever runners were out training in the countryside and they noticed some tracks. The first said, “Deer tracks?” “No,” replied the second, “Bear tracks.” The conversation ended abruptly when the train hit them.
92. What’s the difference between a teabag and England? The teabag stays in the cup longer!
93. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible? When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
94. A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, “You can’t bring that dog in here.” “You don’t understand,” says the man. “This is no regular dog, he can talk.” “Listen, pal,” says the bartender. “If that dog can talk, I’ll give you a hundred bucks. “The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, “What’s on top of a house?” “Roof!” “Right. And what’s on the outside of a tree?” “Bark!” “And who’s the greatest baseball player of all time?” “Ruth!” “I guess you’ve heard enough,” says the man. “I’ll take the hundred in twenties.” The bartender is furious. “Listen, pal,” he says, “get out of here before I belt you.” As soon as they’re on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, “Do you think I should have said ‘DiMaggio’?”
95. What is a banana’s favorite gymnastic move? The splits!
96. Golfer: “I’d move heaven & earth to break 100 on this course.” Caddy: “Try heaven; you’ve already moved most of the earth.”
97. Bill and Earl are out playing golf. They get to the 17th tee, which overlooks a small lake, and see two guys out on the lake fishing. Bill says, “Hey Earl check out these two idiots fishing’ in the rain!”
98. What are the most athletic rodents? Track and field mice.
99. A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, “Martha, pack up your things. I just won the California lottery!” Martha replies, “Shall I pack for warm weather and the beach or cold and skiing?’ The man responds, “I don’t care. Just so long as you’re out of the house by noon!”
100. A college freshman decided to try out for the football team. “Can you tackle?” asked the coach. “Watch this,” said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. “Wow,” said the coach. “I’m impressed. Can you run?” “Of course I can run,” said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. “Great!” enthused the coach. “But can you pass a football?” The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. “Well, sir,” he said, “if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it.”
101. Coach There were twenty teams in the league and we are in the last place? Player -Well, it could have been worse. How? There could have been more teams in the league!
102. I love the fall. It gives me a chance to sit at home and watch the World Series. Just like the Dodgers.
103. Where do catchers sit at lunch? Behind the plate.
104. How do baseball players keep in touch with each other? They touch base every once in a while.
105. Why are basketball players such messy eaters? They’re always dribbling
106. A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he’d try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, “Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green.” The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. “Now what?” the fellow asked the speechless pro. “Uh… you’re supposed to hit the ball into the cup,” the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again. “Oh great! NOW you tell me.” said the beginner.
107. What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan. A bit like the two Spanish fireman Jose and Hose B.
108. What season is it when you are on a trampoline? Spring time.
109. Golfer: “Do you think my game is improving?” Caddy: “Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.”
110. In a park people come across a man playing chess against a dog. They were astonished and said: “What a clever dog!” But the man protested and replied: “No, no, he isn’t that clever. I’m leading by three games to one!”
111. Golfer: The doctor says I can’t play golf. Caddy: O! So, he too has played with you?
112. Why did the football coach go to the bank? “To get his Quarter back.”
113. A boxer goes to a doctor complaining of insomnia. ‘Have you tried counting sheep?’ asks the doctor. ‘It doesn’t work,’ replies the boxer. ‘Every time I get to nine, I stand up.’
114. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we don’t know where the heck she is.
115. What time does Rafa Nadal go to his bed? Ten-ish.
116. I think that it is better to give that to get. You have a very generous thinking. Are you a humanitarian? No, I’m a boxer.
117. Why did the man keep doing the backstroke? He’d just had lunch and didn’t want to swim on a full stomach!
118. The Golfer asked his Caddy, “Hey boy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday? Caddy replied, “The way you play, Sir, it’s a sin to play any day of the week!”
119. Twenty feet below sea level, a diver notices another guy at the same depth with no scuba gear. The diver goes down another 10 feet, and the guy joins him a minute later. The diver goes below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joins him. The diver takes out a waterproof pad and pencil and writes, “How are you able to stay this deep without equipment?” The guy takes the pencil and pad and writes, “I’m drowning, you moron!”
120. Golfer: “My wife says if I don’t stop playing golf, she’s going to leave me!” Caddy: “I’m sure you will miss her terribly, sir!”
121. I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.”
122. Golfer: “Well caddy, do you like my game?” Caddy: “Very good, sir! But personally, I prefer golf.”
123. What is the difference between a golfer and a fisherman? “When a golfer lies, he doesn’t have to bring anything home to prove it!
124. Golfer: “Well, I have never played this badly before!” Caddy: “I didn’t realize you had played before, sir!”
125. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
126. Coach “Is your bad play due to ignorance or apathy?” Player “I don’t know and I don’t care!”
127. I think I’m allergic to sport, I keep breaking out in sweat!
128. What did the baseball glove say to the ball? Catch ya later!
129. The walk from the changing room to the ring is too long, says the boxer. No worries, on your way back you will come back with the stretcher…
130. What’s the hardest thing about learning to ice skate? The ice.